Day two!

Well, the second day that I went out.  Today I wore shorts (!) and took the dog with me.  Poor little old man, he is too old for distance.  At least he’s easy to carry.
 

That little black and white dot is the dog.

Today I realized that I didn’t learn anything the first time.  I still forgot the pen and paper.  I also forgot a nail file, which I needed almost immediately.  I wore my ancient, good-for-nothing tennis shoes and walked on one of the more hilly, unpaved trails.  I enjoyed the trip so much more!  I don’t know if it was the shoes or the lack of gravel but the trail seemed much more forgiving, even though the grade was more extreme.

I came across an old cemetery at the top of one of the hills.  The large slab belonged (from what I could tell) to Lucy Fitzhugh and (I may have read) her husband Edward Stewart.  The only date I could make out was August 1863.  I’m going to go back and take a rubbing.  I’m also going to try to decipher the other stones.  I’ll also see what the internet can tell me.  How exciting! 

 

Day one training for the super hike!

After reading Bill Bryson's A Walk In the Woods a few years ago, I was inspired to hike the Appalachian Train.  Unfortunately, I was sitting of a big gray boat in the middle of the ocean at the time so my enthusiasm had no outlet.  But, now I'm back and getting ready for the adventure, which will commence in four years once I break my pesky job habit.  So, I have plenty of time to train up to get ready for this beast!

I went out today and hiked six miles through the state park near the house.  Not too shabby.  My pack was no where near the weight it will end up being but I’ll be damned if the stupid thing wasn’t heavier on the return trip than it was heading out.  Here are some things that I was thinking about (in no particular order):

What do women do about their specific hygiene issues?  Everything I’ve read has people taking only the clothes on their backs and an extra pair of socks.  I get that I won’t be having regular showers but what about down there?  Taking seven tons of baby wipes doesn’t seem like the best solution.  And what about the monthly visitor?  What in the world am I supposed to do about that?

I should be sure not to forget pen and paper.  I’m pretty certain I won’t forget it when I leave for real, but I should bring some on these short hikes, too.  Then I can write all of this stuff down as it occurs to me instead of trying to remember it when I get back and really just want to pass out.

Oh my word.  Do I need to get a fanny pack?  As I was today, I was repeatedly taking my pack off and putting it back so I could get to things.  I tried just reaching around but that was totally ineffective.  Even the water bottle was a chore to get to.

Speaking of the water…  There has got to be a better way to get at that thing than what I’m doing now.  And, how much water can I expect to drink each day?  In the three hours I was out there I went through a 33.8 ounce bottle.  Jesus!  Just the thought of hiking around with three days worth at that rate is enough to make me want to crawl under a log and die.

What about boots?  My boots were killing my ankles by the time I was done.  I know I have to break them in, though, so I’ll consider them at a later date.  Do I need to arrange replacement boots for while I’m out there?

I think that’s it.  Pen and paper tomorrow so I can remember more.

CNN, or one of them, posts photos of amusing church signs.  Here are the amusingest:

This is one of those old emails that made the rounds.  The first time I read it, I laughed so hard I cried and saved it.  The next time, I laughed so hard I cried.  I continue to open it up whenever I feel like having a good chuckle.  And this guy, whoever he is, is such a descriptive writer!  Fabulous!

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS!

 Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.  A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.  The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.  What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.  The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.

WAY TOO COOL!  Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.  Nothing!  I was disappointed.  I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.  I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it.  She is such a sweet cat.  But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.  Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another.  The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.  Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'  What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it, dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.  I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.  I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and…

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!  WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!  WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.  I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.  The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!  You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.  A three second burst would be considered conservative.

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.  My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.  The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.  My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.  My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.  I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I soiled myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone.  I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.  I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

Here's the deal.  I LOVE The New Girl.  The whole show is just a great little break in my week.  I love Jess, Schmidt, Winston, Cece, Nick, and all the walk through people.  It bums me out that the show isn't longer.  But I especially love Nick Miller.  I can't put my finger on exactly why he's so awesome, but he is.

So, enjoy some New Girl.  Uhhh... I don't know when it comes on, though.  Since the invention of the DVR, I don't know when anything actually airs on television.

Many, many fun things to try!

My girl came home from school with some of this and played with it for an entire week!  I have never seen her attention span last so long!  They called it Flubber, I'm not sure if that's trademarked, though.

Wouldn't these be beautiful to decorate a garden, porch, or patio?  And, with so many canned food/soup/dog food cans around it wouldn't be hard to save up the supplies.

I've done this before with bleach in a spray bottle to cover up a bleach stain on one of my favorite sweatshirts.  I still have the shirt 20 years later!

Too cute!  And Target has such wonderful plastic dishes!

Awesome, cute, and super easy.  Why don't I think of things like this?

Brilliant!  Notes, keys, coats, phones...  Everything you need to get out the door all in one place!  Maybe I wouldn't have to run back in two more times for whatever it is I've forgotten this time.

Isn't this cute and simple?  I don't know that I'd ever hang it, though.

I found all this fun artsy-craftsy stuff on the internet and I want to try it all!  Of course, I was in an internet stupor at the time and did not get any source information for it.  That happens a lot!  Erg.

Cute little butter-feet!  And it would make such an epic mess!

Isn't this the most charming little glove squirrell you've ever seen?

I NEED MINIONS!!!!  MANY, MANY MINIONS!!!

I wonder if this would smell as lovely as it looks.

Seems so much more reasonable than the kits you can buy at the store. 

I have so many toilet paper rolls lying around!  I keep finding great ideas for them but I never try anything.  But, Easter is coming!